A Field Guide to DC Douchebags
Though its population may not be as robust as New York or Los Angeles, D.C. is home to a variety of people. As with any city, some of those people are amazing, while others are insufferable and suck at life.
Even with its recent growth, D.C. still isn't that large. Unfortunately, this will overexpose you to the myriad of obnoxious douches who dwell in the nation's capital. Due to the District's size, you will run into them and their douchey associates over and over again. If anything, D.C.'s bump in population has literally opened the door for new douches to freely roam the streets.
This Field Guide to D.C. Douchebags will not only help you identify each breed, it will also help you understand their motivations so you're better equipped to handle their bullshit. While some of these douches are not exclusive to D.C., this douche intel will serve you well.
This entitled prick reeks of Affluenza cologne, drops the Johnny Manziel money sign ad nauseam to Drake's "All Me" at parties, and resembles either a strong-ass Andrew Garfield or an inferior Winklevoss sibling. He's muscular from years of crew and lacrosse, will talk your ear off about the money he didn't earn and his trophy, fundraiser jump-off girlfriend will eye-fuck you to the point that it's just uncomfortable because he hasn't "satisfied" her like, ever.
He's the type of person who will bump into you on M Street, not say "excuse me," swell up like he's about that life and swiftly contact authorities when he gets justifiably duffed out. He lives on borrowed time, as you'll only be able to resist the urge not to shove his pocket square down his throat for so long.
1. Hair styled like that of a young James Spader
2. Salmon shirt
3. Pocket square
4. "Georgetown" pants
5. Loafers worn with no socks
Overconfident and insecure, this particular species of douche pushes brown-nosing, scrotum-licking and name-dropping for the sake of career advancement to the limits of extreme unlikability. It's career over everything, even, at times, being a decent human being. What this unfortunate soul doesn't realize is that he's alienated everyone—even the people he so desperately tries to "network" with—and that nobody cares about his job, which he rambles on about endlessly. Seriously, who wants to be Jonah Ryan?
Little does he know, someone is waiting to snatch the very ladder he hopes to climb right out from under him. The lack of self-awareness bleeds into his "style," and soon enough, someone will hang him by that damn lanyard.
1. Paisley tie to inject much-needed life into outfit
2. Extremely safe suit
3. Lanyard bearing ID card worn after work hours
4. Over-the-shoulder bag containing important materials (i.e. cocaine)
The caucacity is strong with this one. He wakes up on a Saturday morning hungover from pounding shots of Fireball at that cool new neighborhood bar, then struts through the neighborhood he's recently invaded like he owns it. Then, despite having the plastic bag necessary for cleanup, he lets his dog shit right in front of someone's house because he's too lazy to pick it up. It's beyond disrespectful. Though you'd like to chase him down and serve him the proper fade, he's pretty swift, and that lithe frame is in good shape from daily neighborhood runs with the dog. "Improving neighborhood" or not, karma is coming for him in the form of a reality check.
1. Sunglasses
2. V-neck with slightly drunk collar
3. Burberry Trench Coat
4. "Plastic bag for dog shit that won’t be used because he’s really that much of an asshole
5. The dog
6. Moccasins
It's quite amusing when people refuse to accept who and what they are. Denial is funny like that, and it's a way of life for him. This chain-smoking ball of negativity claims to hate hipsters, seemingly unaware that he's guilty of everything that infuriates him. You can't help but laugh at the blind hypocrisy of people who do exactly what they criticize others of doing, and the projection of his self-loathing is both hilarious and repugnant.
He hates this bar, even though he was there last month. He hates that shirt even though he was wearing it last year. He hates his neighborhood even though he just moved into it. He wears his pain all over his body in the form of tattoos, which also might hide the agonizing memories of his high school identity crisis that featured several pairs of Rocawear jeans. He's angry at the world, he's angry at himself and he knows it.
1. Perfectly coiffed hair
2. Cigarette dangling from mouth for dear life
3. Shirt buttoned all the way to the top
4. "I’m posing everytime I stop talking because I wish I was a model, but don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard (because I am)" posture
5. Boots
There's nothing wrong with exhibiting pride for your alma mater, but drunkenly rooting for the football team like it's sophomore year is so, well, sophomoric. Unfortunately, he doesn't care, hitting his favorite bro havens each and every Saturday to watch his alma mater do work against their rivals. Speaking of those rivalries, they get intense, and this dude isn't afraid to go to war (dad jeans that he's too young to be wearing and all) with adversaries who can match his fanaticism. This bloodlust really makes you miss the days when both Duke and Maryland played in the ACC.
Win or loss, he leaves the bar waiting for the next opportunity to do it all over again. Other than furiously masturbating to Kate Upton jpegs, what else would he be doing on a Saturday morning?
1. Dingy, snug-fitting college team’s hat
2. Natty Ice glued to one hand, other fist balled up in celebration (yet ready for potential fight)
3. Plaid shirt worn unbuttoned (because who has the time?) with sleeves rolled up
4. Beer-stained t-shirt
5. Dad jeans
Failed athletes who remain haunted by their unrealized dreams are a dangerous bunch, as they carry those repressed feelings into the most innocent of outings. Like kickball, for example. The game, which separated the elite from the irrelevant in our younger days, has become a source of after-work fun. That fun is halted by this asshole and his overzealous ways. These include, but aren't limited to: Humiliating teammates with expletive-laden tirades, nearly coming to blows with opponents, and darting all over the field like he's playing in playing in Game 7 of the World Series.
Dude, it's kickball. You can't change what happened during your college soccer team days; just have a postgame beer and relax.
1. Kickball league team t-shirt
2. Soccer shorts
3. Knee brace
4. High socks
Whether he's slowing drivers down or nearly plowing through a crowd of pedestrians, this douche thinks he and his fixed-gear bike own the road. When he isn't busy doing that, he's talking about his bike incessantly, totally clueless to the fact that he's being tuned out. However, years of riding up Northwest 14th Street's incline have transformed his physique from Shaggy to Groundskeeper Willie, thus fueling his fixed-gear megalomania. Though there's an angry driver out there waiting to bust him in the grill with his bike lock, his ghost would only haunt the D.C. streets, continuing to talk about nothing but his bike.
1. Helmet
2. Dingy shirt
3. Bike, obviously
4. Rolled-up pants leg
Maybe it's the smug, know-it-all attitude. Maybe it's the strong resemblance to Elijah Wood. Whatever it is, there's something about this arrogant little nerd that just makes you want to smack flames out of him. Little does this bespectacled king of the geeks know that he'll be out of a job in three months when his startup fails. Then, he'll spend his days on a strict Cup of Noodles and water diet, reading Game of Thrones recaps on his favorite websites, and brainstorming the next great app. Success comes just as fast as it goes; enjoy it while it lasts.
1. Warby Parker glasses
2. Arrogant nerd smirk
3. Sweater over the checkered shirt combo
4. Starbucks cup surgically-attached to hand
5. Laptop bag
The day you realize that your entire existence is inspired by what you see on television and the Internet must be a sad one. For this sap, that day of reckoning is still far off, because he's too busy posing for selfies and constructing outfit grids to realize that he has no identity of his own. His every thought, emotion and move are inspired by something a rapper said, what a rapper wore and what he sees on blogs.
He never met a trend or popular brand he didn't love and would step on his own mother to beat another lost soul to a piece of limited edition gear. Where does the money come from anyway? Are this young man's parents bankrolling his obsession, or is A$AP Barback just blowing his hard-earned money on clothes? Who knows, but how much can you expect from someone who lives his whole life praying he'll be street styled? The bar has been set pretty low.
1. 40 Oz. NY x Been Trill snapback
2. Clueless look of self-satisfaction
3. Stussy crewneck
4. Pyrex shorts with leggings on beneath
5. Yeezy 2s
Like most major cities, D.C. is becoming one of those places where everyone has a "thing" they do on the side that they hope will one day replace their real job. If only this dude were so lucky. Instead, he puts his entire life force into a formulaic idea that couldn't get off the ground through divine intervention. The worst part is that he can't even articulate what, exactly, it is that he wants to do, he just aggressively directs you to his Tumblr which is loaded with reblogged porn, movie GIFs and "photoshoots."
He'll try to spam your entire life with his "brand," then get pissy when you don't support it. Can you really call it your "brand" if it's the same shit the next person is doing? Rather than face the music and consider getting a real job, he'll tell you he's moving to New York, L.A., Atlanta or wherever with his "vision." Good luck with that.
1. Frank Ocean-esque bandana
2. Shirt designed by his "brand"
3. Flannel also designed by his "brand" worn as a belt because it's the only support he gets
4. Distressed denim
5. Borrowed Jordan 1s
Imagine the mounting rage of a man who only got girls to talk to him in college by becoming a promoter, then continuing to do it aimlessly into adulthood, He might front like he's about to take the LSAT and the GRE, or even act like this is just a side hustle, but no, this is it for him. His flawless style masks insecurity, which comes out around other dudes he feels threatened by and women he can't get.
Though his phone is filled with female contacts, it's only because they use him to get into VIP sections or get free drinks. Those same girls will then hand you at least one of those free drinks, leaving dude glaring at you like you did something wrong. That's exactly why he tries to keep guys who are risks to his insufficient self-confidence out of the venue. If only there was an app for low self-esteem.
1. First pair of real earrings
2. Windsor knot
3. Well-tailored suit
4. iPhone used for fielding texts from women who only acknowledge him for VIP section access
5. Nice watch, but not the Audemars Piguet he longs for
6. Wingtips
His entire aura is shamelessly derivative of Matthew McConaughey. He's in impeccable shape from dedication to the CrossFit lifestyle, and wears a fresh glaze of fitness douche sweat. Because he wants the world to know he's in good shape, he's often shirtless, though the Nike sign from his Dri-FIT top is etched into his chest like some horrible bro tat. His worst quality, self-importance aside, is his belief that he is the omniscient fitness God. Just stick to your workout and stop flexing for the women, dog. You can't cover self-doubt with a layer of muscle.
1. Pointless weightlifting gloves
2. Nike sign burned into his chest by Dri-FIT shirt
3. Requisite workout shorts
4. Cross-trainers
- complex
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